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i've been a lot more relaxed this past week ^_^~~

have just over a week till uni ends for christmas... i still.. have no urgency to want to go home... its makes me feel bad cos it makes it sound like everyone at home dont mean much, which isnt true!! and its like.. why i rarely ring home.. it never comes across my mind to call home..
i'm often referred to having a cold heart.. or a black heart... i know these people are joking and dont actually mean it, but i think it is true in some sense.. well... it appears that i have a cold heart anyway. I dont really know the truth myself =P

hmmm... the past few days i have been irritated my elaine... well.. shes hasnt done anything to me.. its just her behaviour; i find it annoying... shes like... "socially awkward"... like one example this week... her friend from her course is having a party today, so her friend invited her to the party; elaines response to this invitation.. was... basically " im free that night, but i dont know any of ur friends, so im not going to go"... -___-"..... whats the harm in meeting new people?!?!

also... she obviously doesnt like keith... its true that at home i moan that keith is annoying and that i dont like him... which honestly isn't true.. me and keith get along well, therefore we're friends. Its true that he takes "advantage" of our friendships as im always doing him favours, cos im GOOD friend. i think this why elaine has a negative view of him... keith has done nothing to elaine that im aware of. keith added her on FB sometime last year, she was surprised.. but this year she told me she de-friended him off FB.... i'm sorry but that was totally uncalled for... Keith has done nothing AT ALL to offend elaine personally... and has done nothing to deserve being defriended... i know this sounds silly.... but really.... she defriended him for no reason. oh and shes not very comfortable when he comes over.

oh and today... well we always try and eat together... so elaine and jess both finish lectures at 3.. i've finished lectures already... elaine is going to some churchy thing a 7.. so jess was like.. why dont we start cooking at 5 and eat around 5:30... and elaines "excuse" is.. its too rushed.. and that she'd rather eat by herself... O_O!!... seriously... theres like a 4 hour gap where we could easily cook, eat and have time to spare... *sigh*

theres been loads of weird anti-social elaine things.. but i cant remember them all...

oh! one of thems is like... cos she doesnt know many people on her course, *surprise surprise*, like one night the people on her course we're having a social... at the bar which is 1 minute away from our flat. she didnt go... its like.. this is a oppotunity to get to know the other people on ur course, u dont have to drink; just go and meet people!! yeah.. she doesnt go to any socials.... the only "socials" she goes to are churchy stuffs. oh and her friend is president of malaysian soc... so she joined this year... hasnt been to any events -__-".... i mean last year elaine said she would defiantly join malaysoc next year.... helllllllllllllllllllo.. u've joined.... but u havnt been to any eventsssssssssssssssssssss. *sigh*... i understand that she doesnt drink or enjoy clubbing or "going out".. or any kind of party im guessing.... BUT REALLY!!... develop some social skillllllllllllllssssssss

anyway i should stop bashin elaine and her antisocial-ness... shes lovely really... just has irritating qualities...

i gonna go do some work now...

*sigh*

Hope everyone is doing well.. well better than i am anyway...

update on james..., yeah i was angry at him.. last tuesday??... never got to tell him that... though... though i did manage to tell mark on friday night while i was trying to sober up before bed. That call actually made me feel better.. made me realise that i was angry at him for stupid reasons and that i was being selfish; even if he did tell everything to my face, it would make no difference, and would likely to cause more drama. Though i should've have known.. mark and james share every single piece of info.. so by saturday james found out i was angry at him... so he rang me... im actually surprised he still had my number... he already de-friended me off facebook..., that was an awkward call.. since i was no longer angry at him and i just wanted to move on... by then i agreed that its probably best we're not friends anymore; i didnt want that, neither am i happy about it. What happened a few weeks ago is the second time its happened... obviously... being just friends is not working... and no-one wants it to happen for a 3rd time~~~
so *sigh* im over it~~~.... we'll still see each other around, im sure of it! but it'll be different~~~

well anyway.. friday was a general crap day... had a dream that my dad died... therefore.. i over slept.. so i missed my only lecture that day at 10am.. oh well =P... i can't learn anything off that lecturer anyway. I tried to switch my laptop.... -__-".. log in page wouldnt load... restarted...same... tried to boot it in safe mode....same... -______________-", yups my laptop died on meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....... took it to the uni IT shop~~~
so since... both jess and elaine had lectures all day.. i was stuck in the flat all day..alone... since... i wasnt in the mood to go out... watched my neighbour totoro.....
felt crap generally for the whole weekend, laptopless~~~.... though i did magane to buy a christmas tree and put it up!.. i know it sounds insanely early... but i only have 3 weeks of uni left!

SO Monday was disgusting... had labs... wanted to kill myself.. even more so than usual... the experiment made no sense.. and the stupid amplifier circuit is gayyyyyyyyy and the demonstrator had no idea what he was talking aboutttttttt.... grrrrrrr...... my value for plancks constant was wayyyyyyyyyy off.... oh well.. aslong as i pass this module i dont care if i get a high mark or not~~~ also i got my laptop back... you'd think i'd me happy about it.... BUT I'M NOT!!!

1).....i no longer have MS office
2) my formely partitioned hard drive is now one ugly thing

i was really not in the mood to deal with my disgusting laptop when i got home..... ¬____¬, basically what was wrong with my laptop was some fault in one of the software.. anyway.. they re-installed windows... and pretty crapily too... everything just feels and looks wrong!! >__< grrr...!!

so today~~~ got home and tried to sort this mess of a laptop out, my first plan was to reinstall windows myself... but my recovery disk wont boot up -___-".. i only wanted to do that to try and restore MS office.. but thats not working.... oh well.. not too fussed about that, more fussed about the partition. SO! while trying to partition my 147GB hard drive... the freakin' C drive refuses to be any smaller that 125GB which meant my D drive could only be 21GB!! GAH! when i first got the laptop it was already partitioned 50/50, so i know its possible!!!! so to google!! found out its a very common problem... cos Vista is gay and sucks balls!!! .... basically.. any solution involves a lot of geekery which im not in the right mind to attempt, though a simple solution was to defragment the C drive.. and u know what.. my laptop refuses to do it!!!... actually my laptop was issues doing anything that involves the administrator permission, even though I AM the administrator... it wont do it... -___-" so im not on good terms with my laptop.. i want it to die a horrible horrible death.....

hfgjggJGYUHHJFHJBGJHEKHFKSHFKJ

FRICK! GRRRRR... STUPID BALL-LESS JAMES!!

GOT A FACEBOOK MESSAGE

HE WANTS TO CEASE CONTACT WITH ME

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

IM SO ANGRY AT HIM!!!

ONLY TIME THAT I DIDNT WANT TO RUN AWAY!! HE RUNS OFF FIRST!!

he's a friend.. i dont want to lose a friend...

30/10

I feel guilty for not letting you guys know what the hell my last post was about... so i think i should explain everything.. plus it'll be a release for me... i honestly dont have anyone im comfortable to tell this to.. the closest person i have to this is.. keith. My flatmates have no idea...

So the person this is concerning is NOT keith... but James.. im sure i've mentioned him before... met him near the beginning of the year at anime soc.. we became friends, along with a bunch of other people..mark..cerys..adi..alex.. we hung out together.

So everything was fineee, we were all friends..untill... the day before we left for easter, last academic year. It was drink the bar dry at the taf, and i was there with my physics friends and some dudes from engineering. Anime soc were having a meeting at 6.. so left the taf for a bit and to return after the meeting. I met James at the meeting then after the meeting we returned to the taf. You see.. my physics/engineering friends were hanging out near the door, so when i walked in to the place with james, i hit one of my friends to get there attention to let them know i was back (just to let you guys know.. he was asian, and will be referred to as "chubby asian dude"). so when i got asian dudes attention, he dragged me into the circle to tell me we were going to solus, the club and that they were waiting for me to get back till they went to solus. So i left the circle to find james... and he was GONE ( and the fact that the taf was packed didnt help).. literally i was in the circle for 10 seconds!! i couldnt see him at all... and in all the confusion i just went to solus with the guys.. and txted james asking him where he was and that i was going to solus. He was annoyed with me... in his opinion i ditched him for a chubby asian dude (to be honest, i actually ditched for several dudes...), he stayed in the taf; mark and alex joined him while i was in the solus.
So i felt really bad for leaving him in that way.. but hes the one who deserted me first; i said hello to a friend, i would've expected any other person to wait for me.. but he didnt, by the time i turned round to find him i couldnt see him at all. I eventually felt less crap about myself as the night went on......
I got home at uni hall around 1-ish (had to catch the train back to bham the next day..didnt stay up too late..)..so when i got home i rang james to apologise. He was drunk... he was saying stuff like..i love you, but you dont love me... at this point i thought he meant love between 2 friends; platonic love... so i said that i did love him (as a friend... cos honestly i've only thought of him as a friend and nothing more)... so he was like....then come see me now.. and my response... its late, im not walking down to ur house to see you... so his idea, was to walk to uni hall. Half an hour after the call.. he was at uni hall...at like 2 in the morning. At this point you're probs thinking, this dude has some feelings for me, i live like a half an hour walk away from him!.... me?... i thought he was just being a drunk and slightly angry friend.
So i let him in... i can't even remember what we talked about.. i think i apologised alot.. for apparently ditching him for chubby asian dude... i dont think he really accepted it. Honestly after a while i wanted him to leave.. it was like 2 in the morning and i had a train to catch the next morning!! He was in my bed refusing to leaveeeeeeeeeeee grrrr..... so yeah i was getting kinna harsh on him so he would leave!!.. he left eventually.. taking my sausage pillow, watch and jigglypuff with him and what seems to be in a massive mood!!
I felt crap!! for treating a friend like this.... and you think this is where the night ends... well it gets worst!! so i guess on the way back home he starts texting me... i honestly cant remember what exactly they said... but something on the lines of... i love you...i'm sorry..blah blah. STILL! at this point i didnt believe those words... and from that night the only thing i felt was that he hated me for treating him that way, we never spoke about what happened that night.. so things just got kinna awkward, our friendship group.. everyone vaguely knew what happened, we still hung out together.. but it wasnt the same... we avoided talking to each other.. i definitely avoided eye contact.. i always believed that he didnt want me there and that he hated me. And it was actually mark who returned my stuff and not james.

So the new academic year starts, and thankfully we started afresh... like all the stuff that happened before summer never happened. I was happy that i got my friend back, didnt even think about the things we wrote in those txts and what had happened. Things were going fine.. until last friday.....

It was the halloween anime screening, i was there... sitting at the front..... james, mark and ashley came in late and sat at the back. The screening was random "scary" episodes from 4 different anime. So after the 3rd episode we had a break, so i went to the back to say hello and stuff.. they snuck in vodka and coke.. and were kinna drunk.. =P.. and well i kinna joined in.. and continued sitting at the back for the last anime (it was hellsing... honestly.. i had no idea what happened in that cos i was distracted).. james kept distracting me.. and making me "scream" or "wail".. as i do... (dave the president wasnt that happy about that).... so yeah after the screening we went to the taf.. like we do after every screening.. and got more drinks... and fast forward till when it was just me, james and mark left; the the stuff inbetween is irrelevant .
So the 3 of us went back to my place for a bit.. since it was raining..... so yeah... while james was in the toliet... mark asked me..." do you like james?".. my answer.. "no".... then he asked " do you like keith".. my answer.."no"... and whether you lot believe it or not... they were my honest answers. It was so out of the blue when mark asked this... but i didnt think much of it.
So james was tired.. and again... just like deja vu.... he was on my bed..again.. practically sleeping this time. They left after mark went to the loo... and this time james took my leavers hoodie with him when he left, he actually wore it. So the pair left, all smiles and everything this time...

So the night went "ended" pretty similar to that other night, without the anger and self hating. I thought it was funny how everytime james has been in my room he has been in my bed.. and left with my belongings. Well... it turned out to be just like that other friday... he sent me a text

it read... "rejection is one thing but rejection from a fool is cruel".......

"-__-.... it was so out of the blue and unexpected after the night we had, the only thing i could link this with is that mark told him about what we tlked about

i replied.. " o_0?... get home safely, ok?.. and dont get raped by glen"

i know.....weird reply.. i was tired and didnt want to deal with this, it was 3 in the morning!

his reply.." you don't love me so i've thrown away your jumper. Glen raped mark. I ran."

my reply.. " you don't love me either.....(i cant remember the rest)"

i wasnt thinking much when replying.. i just wanted to sleep!

his reply.. -__-"....." i love you so horribly much. i don't want to. and i shouldnt. please kill me"

GAH! at that point i still did not believe it. well looking at the circumstances.. he's been drinking!.. and he has never said this to my face... only in dunken txts!, in person i don't see this "love"... to me he's just another guy friend, and treats me pretty much like all my other guy friends; therefore i have very little ground on to which i can accept it.

But.. to hear that he doesnt want to... brings me some comfort..oddily... i think we both know that we would never work

anyway.. my reply... " this doesnt sound like you.. go get some sleep..."

i think i handled this very weirdly... =S....

so anyway...woke up saturday and felt crap. I felt like i upset him or hurt him, and the fact that he was a friend made it so much harder. You guys know how i run away from guys, my favourite example being kenny =P, well i couldn't run away this time, cos that would mean i would have run away from everyone; mark, alex,cerys..etc.. they all knew james before me.. so it would be more appropriate if i left. But for this situation, running away would be the last option and not the first. *sigh*

Just like the first time i felt like he hated me.. though i had no contact with him.. i felt like he HATED me!... which led to me hating myself cos im too scared to do anything, i dont want it end like last time.. where we spent the rest of the year with an awkwardness whenever we were in the same room. Still havent mustered up the strength to say anything.

I actually saw him last night, random events led us to go visit him at talybont, i really wanted my hoodie back (mark and james live in the same flat now).... it was me, alex, stuart, mark and james. funnily enough the person who had my hoodie in their possession was not james, but it was mark again. **
we didnt speak, have eye contact and stayed way away from each other; apart from stuart i know the other two (mark and alex) knew what happened... chances are they probs know more than i do about the whole thing.

though before i headed home... i asked him... "you hate me, don't you?"... his answer was "no"... i refused to believe him...
I would find this so much easier if he hated me... maybe thats why im convincing myself that he hates me.... im not sure why... i've stopped making any sense

by the time i got home he sent me a txt..basically saying that he doesnt hate me at all, and that he was being awkward because of what happened last week. great.. i wonder how long the awkwardness will last this time.....

** james has no balls!! saying he "loves" me in a druken text!... though to be fair if he "confessed" in person, it would be the most depressing confession ever.. " im in love with you, but i dont want to be".... grrr.. and to get mark to return my stuff back to me, BE A MAN!! and to tell me that i rejected him eventhough i havent said anything to him! did u get mark to ask me those questions?... where you too scared to ask them urself?....

*sigh*... the only way i can imagine this to be solved is that i'll get so drunk one night that'll i'll just word vomit out everything....

who knows whats gonna happen after that.....

(im sorry.. this is a monster of a post, honestly i dont mind if nobody finishes it.. just typing it all out makes me feel less stressed... but do me a favour... don't ask me about this situation, i dont want to talk about it; i'll talk about it when i'm ready...)

GWAHHHHHHHHHBWAAAAAAAAAAARWARRRRRRRRRRRRR

GRRRR..... i hope this week ends quickly.. gots work to do but really not in the state of mind to concentrate!! felt crap all weekend.. and all dayyyyyyyyy~~~

i think i upset someone; but im too scared to pick up the phone

they havent made the first move which is frustrating me... but maybe i should be making the first move this time...

i hate it when people txt you under the influence of alcohol and you dont know if they meant it or not

why did history repeat itself?... i hope i have enough strength to solve this problem..rather than let it past by like before

i wish this person wasnt a friend.. it would much easier if it was some random stranger who i would never have to see again

im too scared to meet this friend cos i have no idea how things will turn out

GAH! i hate myself for being so scared! i hate myself for having no strength!