30/10

I feel guilty for not letting you guys know what the hell my last post was about... so i think i should explain everything.. plus it'll be a release for me... i honestly dont have anyone im comfortable to tell this to.. the closest person i have to this is.. keith. My flatmates have no idea...

So the person this is concerning is NOT keith... but James.. im sure i've mentioned him before... met him near the beginning of the year at anime soc.. we became friends, along with a bunch of other people..mark..cerys..adi..alex.. we hung out together.

So everything was fineee, we were all friends..untill... the day before we left for easter, last academic year. It was drink the bar dry at the taf, and i was there with my physics friends and some dudes from engineering. Anime soc were having a meeting at 6.. so left the taf for a bit and to return after the meeting. I met James at the meeting then after the meeting we returned to the taf. You see.. my physics/engineering friends were hanging out near the door, so when i walked in to the place with james, i hit one of my friends to get there attention to let them know i was back (just to let you guys know.. he was asian, and will be referred to as "chubby asian dude"). so when i got asian dudes attention, he dragged me into the circle to tell me we were going to solus, the club and that they were waiting for me to get back till they went to solus. So i left the circle to find james... and he was GONE ( and the fact that the taf was packed didnt help).. literally i was in the circle for 10 seconds!! i couldnt see him at all... and in all the confusion i just went to solus with the guys.. and txted james asking him where he was and that i was going to solus. He was annoyed with me... in his opinion i ditched him for a chubby asian dude (to be honest, i actually ditched for several dudes...), he stayed in the taf; mark and alex joined him while i was in the solus.
So i felt really bad for leaving him in that way.. but hes the one who deserted me first; i said hello to a friend, i would've expected any other person to wait for me.. but he didnt, by the time i turned round to find him i couldnt see him at all. I eventually felt less crap about myself as the night went on......
I got home at uni hall around 1-ish (had to catch the train back to bham the next day..didnt stay up too late..)..so when i got home i rang james to apologise. He was drunk... he was saying stuff like..i love you, but you dont love me... at this point i thought he meant love between 2 friends; platonic love... so i said that i did love him (as a friend... cos honestly i've only thought of him as a friend and nothing more)... so he was like....then come see me now.. and my response... its late, im not walking down to ur house to see you... so his idea, was to walk to uni hall. Half an hour after the call.. he was at uni hall...at like 2 in the morning. At this point you're probs thinking, this dude has some feelings for me, i live like a half an hour walk away from him!.... me?... i thought he was just being a drunk and slightly angry friend.
So i let him in... i can't even remember what we talked about.. i think i apologised alot.. for apparently ditching him for chubby asian dude... i dont think he really accepted it. Honestly after a while i wanted him to leave.. it was like 2 in the morning and i had a train to catch the next morning!! He was in my bed refusing to leaveeeeeeeeeeee grrrr..... so yeah i was getting kinna harsh on him so he would leave!!.. he left eventually.. taking my sausage pillow, watch and jigglypuff with him and what seems to be in a massive mood!!
I felt crap!! for treating a friend like this.... and you think this is where the night ends... well it gets worst!! so i guess on the way back home he starts texting me... i honestly cant remember what exactly they said... but something on the lines of... i love you...i'm sorry..blah blah. STILL! at this point i didnt believe those words... and from that night the only thing i felt was that he hated me for treating him that way, we never spoke about what happened that night.. so things just got kinna awkward, our friendship group.. everyone vaguely knew what happened, we still hung out together.. but it wasnt the same... we avoided talking to each other.. i definitely avoided eye contact.. i always believed that he didnt want me there and that he hated me. And it was actually mark who returned my stuff and not james.

So the new academic year starts, and thankfully we started afresh... like all the stuff that happened before summer never happened. I was happy that i got my friend back, didnt even think about the things we wrote in those txts and what had happened. Things were going fine.. until last friday.....

It was the halloween anime screening, i was there... sitting at the front..... james, mark and ashley came in late and sat at the back. The screening was random "scary" episodes from 4 different anime. So after the 3rd episode we had a break, so i went to the back to say hello and stuff.. they snuck in vodka and coke.. and were kinna drunk.. =P.. and well i kinna joined in.. and continued sitting at the back for the last anime (it was hellsing... honestly.. i had no idea what happened in that cos i was distracted).. james kept distracting me.. and making me "scream" or "wail".. as i do... (dave the president wasnt that happy about that).... so yeah after the screening we went to the taf.. like we do after every screening.. and got more drinks... and fast forward till when it was just me, james and mark left; the the stuff inbetween is irrelevant .
So the 3 of us went back to my place for a bit.. since it was raining..... so yeah... while james was in the toliet... mark asked me..." do you like james?".. my answer.. "no".... then he asked " do you like keith".. my answer.."no"... and whether you lot believe it or not... they were my honest answers. It was so out of the blue when mark asked this... but i didnt think much of it.
So james was tired.. and again... just like deja vu.... he was on my bed..again.. practically sleeping this time. They left after mark went to the loo... and this time james took my leavers hoodie with him when he left, he actually wore it. So the pair left, all smiles and everything this time...

So the night went "ended" pretty similar to that other night, without the anger and self hating. I thought it was funny how everytime james has been in my room he has been in my bed.. and left with my belongings. Well... it turned out to be just like that other friday... he sent me a text

it read... "rejection is one thing but rejection from a fool is cruel".......

"-__-.... it was so out of the blue and unexpected after the night we had, the only thing i could link this with is that mark told him about what we tlked about

i replied.. " o_0?... get home safely, ok?.. and dont get raped by glen"

i know.....weird reply.. i was tired and didnt want to deal with this, it was 3 in the morning!

his reply.." you don't love me so i've thrown away your jumper. Glen raped mark. I ran."

my reply.. " you don't love me either.....(i cant remember the rest)"

i wasnt thinking much when replying.. i just wanted to sleep!

his reply.. -__-"....." i love you so horribly much. i don't want to. and i shouldnt. please kill me"

GAH! at that point i still did not believe it. well looking at the circumstances.. he's been drinking!.. and he has never said this to my face... only in dunken txts!, in person i don't see this "love"... to me he's just another guy friend, and treats me pretty much like all my other guy friends; therefore i have very little ground on to which i can accept it.

But.. to hear that he doesnt want to... brings me some comfort..oddily... i think we both know that we would never work

anyway.. my reply... " this doesnt sound like you.. go get some sleep..."

i think i handled this very weirdly... =S....

so anyway...woke up saturday and felt crap. I felt like i upset him or hurt him, and the fact that he was a friend made it so much harder. You guys know how i run away from guys, my favourite example being kenny =P, well i couldn't run away this time, cos that would mean i would have run away from everyone; mark, alex,cerys..etc.. they all knew james before me.. so it would be more appropriate if i left. But for this situation, running away would be the last option and not the first. *sigh*

Just like the first time i felt like he hated me.. though i had no contact with him.. i felt like he HATED me!... which led to me hating myself cos im too scared to do anything, i dont want it end like last time.. where we spent the rest of the year with an awkwardness whenever we were in the same room. Still havent mustered up the strength to say anything.

I actually saw him last night, random events led us to go visit him at talybont, i really wanted my hoodie back (mark and james live in the same flat now).... it was me, alex, stuart, mark and james. funnily enough the person who had my hoodie in their possession was not james, but it was mark again. **
we didnt speak, have eye contact and stayed way away from each other; apart from stuart i know the other two (mark and alex) knew what happened... chances are they probs know more than i do about the whole thing.

though before i headed home... i asked him... "you hate me, don't you?"... his answer was "no"... i refused to believe him...
I would find this so much easier if he hated me... maybe thats why im convincing myself that he hates me.... im not sure why... i've stopped making any sense

by the time i got home he sent me a txt..basically saying that he doesnt hate me at all, and that he was being awkward because of what happened last week. great.. i wonder how long the awkwardness will last this time.....

** james has no balls!! saying he "loves" me in a druken text!... though to be fair if he "confessed" in person, it would be the most depressing confession ever.. " im in love with you, but i dont want to be".... grrr.. and to get mark to return my stuff back to me, BE A MAN!! and to tell me that i rejected him eventhough i havent said anything to him! did u get mark to ask me those questions?... where you too scared to ask them urself?....

*sigh*... the only way i can imagine this to be solved is that i'll get so drunk one night that'll i'll just word vomit out everything....

who knows whats gonna happen after that.....

(im sorry.. this is a monster of a post, honestly i dont mind if nobody finishes it.. just typing it all out makes me feel less stressed... but do me a favour... don't ask me about this situation, i dont want to talk about it; i'll talk about it when i'm ready...)